My Life (feat. Jesus)

Good morning, dear family,
I wrote you a little story,
It has a rhythm in it, don’t worry,
I’ll find it, rhyme it, don’t worry.

It’s hard for me
To explain who I’m apparently,
But I use poetry
To explain the ways that I feel,
So I will be real,
But I’ll season it down with mercy.

I have nightmares of when I was six,
That’s not normal, they tell me it sticks
To the mind that’s in fits, cannot find a fix…
Certain smells trigger this, I’m always at this,
When I was 8, later on, I repeated my tics,
Internalized, inside, I hid it all in bricks.

See, for me, it’s all mentally,
I have OCD, compulsive toward anxiety,
Inside, I murder my pride, it’s never-ending,
“Shouldn’t, you shouldn’t, I hate you,” I chide me,
I’ve made it an art form, please don’t judge me.

I spent twenty-five years making up lies,
Desp’rately trying to cover my eyes,
Trying, just trying to hide it inside,
The pain that would grind me while I tried and I tried…
But I fell apart when it got too much to hide
I can’t put it back, don’t know who I am inside.

So please forgive me,
This isn’t easy for me,
I’m not here to beg for mercy,
I just really need you to see…

I cannot count the times my face goes white
In a day, I cannot say, it isn’t worth the fight.
I worry that my hair turns gray overnight,
Or that I kill myself with cancer that I earned with all my plight.
Dozens of times I thought they would arrest me in the night
For crimes that I commit, friends turn me over in their spite.

I know none of my fears are real.
But tell me a broken femur’s no deal
And I will scream until you stop and agree,
It’s my obsession and for that I am sorry.

But this is really real,
It’s just that it’s a biologic deal,
Not something in me, and it’s not greed,
This is important, it will change the way you see,
And I need this, it’s the truth, I’m always lonely,
It’s just a shrunken gland, pituitary,
No, of course not, that doesn’t excuse me,
But it’s my way out of my self-insanity,
Self-abasing, mollesting me,
Can’t you see? Can’t you see?

I hate that I always have to explain this,
But it’s normal for me, so I will ’til you retain it,
This is who I am now, please stop waiting for change,
That will never come while I see your quiet rage
At a change I never once embraced or took to heart in vain,
It hit me like a freight train, I never got a chance to wave.

I should thank you,
For all that you do,
The money you’ve proved
Your love to me through,
But I’m here for you
To understand what I’ve endured.
Please understand my words,
This isn’t anger, but it might be a sword…

So I’m sorry,
I’m sorry,
But I need you back in my story,
I need you to listen when I worry,
Don’t just turtle when I’m blurry,
How could you, I just cost a lot of money…
I don’t deserve to ask for understanding,
But is love something I’m demanding?
And am I just expecting a handout
When I cry out and ask for your help?
Lord, I hope not, that is the definition of hell,
Church doesn’t lift a finger for us, I’ll tell,
So I go to my family, wish I never had now…

I didn’t ask anyone to do this for me,
I’m trying to work on what’s hampering me,
So I can return to this pampering spree,
But I think I’m done being well mentally,
So I’m gonna need friends who will walk with me.
I really need family who’s not afraid of me.

Is that surprising?
Am I out of line here?
Put me back in line then,
I’m not here for lying.

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