Huh?

I want to be clear,
Like a bell, hear
My prayer, be near,
I will not give in to fear,
I haven’t ever felt this weary,
Never had it this dark, not nearly,
Never walked this close to the end of me,
My enemy, repeatedly at odds with me.

I thought I was gonna fall right through,
I fought in my crumbled thoughts at You,
It’s not what I always thought I’d do,
My lot when I looked forward as a kid…guess I was a fool,
I thought–now I’m wond’rin’–which way did You…

Go?

I’m confused, these rhymes fall apart,
What do I do? I just wanna restart…
How can I get to You? You’re always on my heart,
I cannot get this through, I need You to impart
Why can’t we get to You? We need Your perfect chart…

Can I ask?
May I, Dad?
You’re not mad,
I know I’ve had
My fill of all that’s bad,
Why can’t I let go, Dad?
I’ve gotten really mad,
Fallen down and yelled and jabbed
My finger at everyone who had
Ever maybe hurt me, but it was always my bad.

Falling apart’s good, I guess,
In a ball at the start line, I’ll confess,
I’m terrified, so I stall, I’m so smart–I’m a mess,
I already knew that, stab the heart, I’ll challenge the test,
Who’m I kidding, I am the fucking best,
Let’s rock back and forth and switchback through the rest,
I’m so ignorant, I froth at the mouth, I’m wicked at my own behest,
This anxiety’s my excuse out, it’s not my fault when I beat my chest.

Is there help for me?
I know You say there’s hope for free,
I’d love out of this soliloquy,
But I’m drunk on it, it’s pills for me.

I meant to sit and write Your praise,
But instead I built a haze,
Put a cage around it so I wouldn’t be fazed,
And settled down inside it like You couldn’t see my face.

Well I’m onto me now,
Really got me red-handed, how
Will I get out of this, I’m onto me now.
How will I get out of this?
I’m onto me now.

Help me, Father?
Please restore me farther?
I want, I WANT Your bother,
I just won’t flaunt or falter…
Don’t wanna flaunt or falter…

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