Had It

Oh forget it,
I’ve really had it,
They’re always at it,
Callin’ me an addict,
Saying just break the habit,
Like that’s something I haven’t
Tried and tried to remove, I’VE HAD IT!

Your words are poison to me,
Saying my anguish is annoying to see,
“We all deal with that.” Oh, obviously,
Nothing I could deal with is beyond your observancy.

I’m not a victim,
I’m just sick of being sick and
Tired of having nobody to sit with,
Sick and tired of being the only one I sit with.
Am I the only one I sit with?

God, they tell me to be positive,
Just hold onto the smile like it’s depositing,
Some kind of happiness in me but I’m done positing,
There was no truth in the lies on my face, I was posturing.
I was posturing.

Wrap this broken vessel in Your arms,
Please, I don’t deserve You, I am harm,
I hurt and twist and break my fellows’ arm,
I deserve death and there’s no denying my alarm,
It’s right in front of me, poking fingers in my distressful scar.
Not sure what’s left in front of me,
All my dreams have run away, now I’m empty,
They say hold onto Your promises, but it’s heavy,
There’s no hope in this left, I’m deadly.
Coiled and caught, set ready to spring, no safety.
Just wait,
Just wait,
Then wammity, blammity bam,
My head gets the brunt of my slam,
The kuckles are huge on my hand,
Black-eyed and bleeding, can’t stand,
Did this to myself, you proud of me, Dad?
This bitterness erodes the perfection of Your plan.

But I kneel down to pray,
And what’s that You say,
Oh, You’re just here to flay?
Guess I’ll curl up and die today.

Why do I fall on my knees,
When it just robs me of my peace?
Why should I read Your word,
When it just tears me in turn?
Why should I pray to You?
Doesn’t it turn to hell when I do?
So yeah, judge me for sucking at being a Christian,
And fuck you for thinking you could beat me at this,
I’m way better at it than you, see these dangling fragments?
That was my soul, so hah, better at ripping it than you vagrants.

Apparently I’m doomed to be separate,
I’m vaguely disapproving of my aggregate,
But I just keep stewing in my anguishment,
And I can’t stop bleeding about my banishment.

So I weep and I weep
Until I’m a fucking creep,
You hate my words, well speak!
I am not here to pretend I’m not weak,
Not to dishonour You but to seek,
Oh help me, by the end of this week,
If I can’t hear You speak…
God, what’s the point of all this if I cheat?

So here I am,
Idiotic with my plans,
Devastated by my own hands,
Never gonna leave this land,
Guess I spied out and found what was bad,
I’m really sorry, I tried hope and I got death back,
I’m really sorry, I tried hope and death I got back.

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