Just, Endure

Man, what was today even about?
Maybe it was just a day off but did it really pay off?
Guess I just keep on expecting the layoff, this is not my way out…

Why is it only just now that I’m thinking about how
The sabbath is for man, not the other way around?
And am I really allowed to pick up my deathly shroud?

I don’t want this, God, do not want this life of sin,
Every time I look around, there’s just a cold voice whispering,
“Don’t worry, turn around, this life’s better the other way ’round,”
But I’m not listening! This isn’t even interesting, give me a way out,
This temptation’s what I’m hating, not myself, just really need to shout.

Really need a way out,
I really need a way out.

There’s no life in this vacillating,
I just keep on improvising, hate it,
Cannot let this go, I made it,
Shake me free from this, You paid it.

I’m so messed up,
This voice of truth just left us,
What am I left with?
Why do I keep defecting?

Jesus, is this pain for real or am I running on my wheel?
Why can I never see what’s real? Did I incur this in the deal?
God, this pain is real, I hide from it but the secret’s revealed,
Is it ever gonna end? This is fucking stupid, Friend,
You promise that You’ll lend Your forever helping hand,
How could I ever demand that You would free me from this land?
But I’m just bleeding really bad, cannot hide this from my Dad,
Didn’t expect this to go bad, guess this morning wasn’t so rad,
Kept on thinking that I’d get it, but this Monday got rejected,
Don’t wanna get up on this deathbed, Help me from my mood pathetic.

Oh oh,
Oh oh oh…
Jesus, save at least my soul,
God, through fire though I go,
To perish or to wallow,
This I know,
Where You lead, I’ll go,
No matter what they throw,
And if it’s all sorrow,
At least I’ve learned how to swallow.
Yes, I am a wretch.
These words give off a foul stench,
My poor soul deserves a monkey wrench,
Wish I’d never sat down on this bench.

Let’s forget the past,
Staunch the bleeding from your gash,
This old pain will never last,
Just move from your sadness dance.
Show me the way, I’m caught up in it today,
Got too tired, God, to say, that I really need you, Yahweh,
Where did I go today? Took a detour down a highway,
Left my soul back where it’s gray, where I had decisions to make.
Am I just facilitating
This self-enervating?
Is all this rot my self-hating
Just as if I’m masturbating?
Ignore the imagery in my soliloquy,
I’m just searching desperately, begging for mercy,
Hoping that my God will see, my need to be holy,
Asking earnestly for Your love to set me free.

I guess I’m dejected,
Get these words out on the page before I get infected,
So afraid to get rejected,
Please don’t read these awful words, they’re the drugs that I’m injecting,
Hope my heart’s back where I left it,
Not sure how to reroute back to my backpack on the path I was perfecting,
Guess that’s where I need repenting,
It seems ev’ry day I’m just inventing ways that I can get repentant.

I need forgiveness,
I need Your fulness,
Your lovingkindness,
I cannot deserve this,
No matter what, I hurt this,
Gift You’ve given on purpose,
Help me forgive my hurt lists,
I cannot remit this,
Will not admit my weakness,
God, I really need this,
Your mercy to break, split,
My soul from my physical shit,
So tired of this merciless pit,
Please, for Your Name’s sake,
How can You leave me here, being raped?
These mind demons just take,
They never cease or abate,
It’s just a constant aggravate,
I punch myself ’til I break,
I want to make,
Want to build, not take,
I want to be able to create,
Beautiful things that forever take
Account of Your perfect Name,
Never abuse the nature of Your grace,
Help me, I can handle last place,
Just wanna finish this race…

I only want to finish this race.


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