Searching

I want to be real.
Tired of spinning this reel.
I’m not here to feel like a meal.

I’m sorry, I’m just not who I say I am,
This delinquent dance, felt like my last chance,
These ankles got pants around ’em, I’m embarrassed.

Today might not go fast,
It might not be quick to fade into the past,
But I’m on my last leg, I don’t think it’ll pass.

Feel like I’m always pleadin’ for a relievin’
But it’s me who’s not believin’, rather grievin’ for no reason.
This is accountable season, don’t wanna miss what it’s meanin’.

I don’t know, I just don’t know anything,
One minute it’s this, the next it’s that way,
And the next, it’s like it never even happened today.

So take this sorrow from my quaking knee,
Take my burden, overtaking me.
Can’t just keep on, I’m breaking, see!

I can spend another day in agony,
That’s completely fine by me,
But it’s this self sabotage that’s murdery.

Did not wake up to lose my way,
Didn’t give up my life to take it back, Yahweh,
I don’t know what to do, it’s all dead-ends in grey,
You promised me a way, but I just don’t see it, okay?
Help me quit playin’ this pathtetic, endless game,
I am not here to point the blame, take the infame.

Help me break this, I can’t take this, not gonna make it, I can’t forsake it,
Tell me I’m not gonna fail this, help me to take hits, I need strength so I don’t fake it.

It’s like a cigarette dropped in the dark, sparks, which one is my dart?
Burnt my fingers anyway, it wasn’t hard, grabbed fingerfuls of charred
Ash and it’s my guard, this stupid, hard- minded masquerade alarm.
“Don’t pick my mask, I’m unharmed, can’t you see me? I’m this far.”
Didn’t realize I was a liar, feel so ashamed at the core of this fire.
Not sure where to go, this dead-end’s a corner, can’t even throw earth.

Jesus, You’re the way, my only and my Stay,
So what am I doing here this way? I’m just whining about how this is lame.
I want to walk with You today, I don’t want to fall away, please hold me, Eli, Eli!

Don’t just need the hugs I think I missed,
It just really bugs me when I’m pissed,
I didn’t want to break this, guess I’m just a mess.

But I need You, OH, so much, I need You.
What am I gonna do if You don’t hear me, oh do You?
Help me from this fear, help me see clear, so that I can feel near.

And I know it’s not about feeling.
I’m just reeling
From this beating,
Help me see this,
Make it stop bleeding?

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