Waiting Heavy

How can I say this?
This isn’t how my way is.
I’m not here to trumpet, “Here’s my greatness.”

So I’m not sure how to put this,
It’s not clear to me what words to phrase,
Keep looking ’round me like it’s all about to change.

Nobody believes “I believe” anymore, dead bodies,
But it’s all we can see, this belief, it’s not me…
I’m arms and legs, sure, but I’ve got no inside, not lying.

Might have a face, but what’s a face but a mask,
So just don’t ask, put to task, this isn’t about me or my knack
For self-deprivation, -abasement, in the basement, grinding pavement.

See despite me, I’ve dedicated this knee, bent it truly,
And I am not gonna throw that, not gonna get unruly,
Rooted in this posture, you think my hope in heaven’s lost I’m so sure.

But when’s it gonna change? When’s it all gonna run dry?
Why can’t we see far enough ahead to say, this is today?
I remember a distant, far away past when the future was all we could ask for.

Now this world is just a bunch of head-down, worker bee dressing gowns,
And it’s not like I can say I’m any diff’rent, but would you listen? It’s important.
I peeked, see. I took a look and now I have something to say, just listen to me.

Can I say I looked when it was Shown to me? Easy.
Don’t spread it, this isn’t processed cheese, see,
Some things are important to see, others left as seed.

Am I lying to You? Am I telling the truth?
This self-deception is so pressin’, I do not want this, where’s my lesson?
Always on the lookout, the belt that never fell, suspended punishment’s hell.

(Wish you’d just hit me.) Oh don’t look and see!
That’s between us, I won’t careen us, but mercy, Jesus!
I cannot do this anymore, keep it from spilling anymore, help this whore.

Using words I don’t get to be entitled to, but I’m mixing colours to paint the pain,
Doesn’t matter how I spin it anymore, this life’s just an impending lawn mower blade,
Do you understand this? Why you reading my memorandums? I’m defending my anthem…

Pretty sure this brain’s just liquid, said it before, can’t trust it, it’s impudent,
Wish that you’d pray for me, but I lift you up. Wish that I could see, but I just believe,
Hope that You’ll intercede for me, I’m reborn of Your seed, don’t want this need.

But if life is a battle then I’ll stand, I’ll bear this burden until vict’ry’s at hand,
I don’t intend to fall or stand without Your perfect help because You understand.
And You see me wince, cringe away, but You’re not for punishment today.

I guess I just gottta convince myself, keep seeking help,
Are you gonna pray for me? You read this, don’t pull the belt,
I am not here to complain about the past or the rain, just carry this welp.

Who knew the tallest would be the runt of the litter? Can’t get bitter.
But who would believe this weakness in me is more than just shaking knees?
It’s incomprehensible, who am I to apprehend your lull?

Is this even coherent? Feels like just words.
Happy Father’s Day, God, I brought all my hurt.
Why does everything keep spinning ’round? Thought I was on solid ground.

Peace, right? Not as the world gives, peace, not fright?
Where am I standing? Is this real? Am I just pretending?
Could convince myself I have cancer, but never I’m a dancer.

I’d better just leave this, just quit, I’m bereaved, doesn’t fit.
I came here to get it out, to feel better, not pout.
I’ve completely lost control, help me before I fall.

Do you think there’s a mountain I can’t reach?
Is there a lesson I couldn’t work out a way to teach?
Do you forget the extent of My love, dear young tree?

It’s not easy watching you flounder, you’ve been through a rounder,
It’s okay to be hurt, feeling pain, thinking that you wanna place the blame,
But remember to forgive, to let go, never let your anger billow.

It’s going to be okay,
Haven’t forgotten to water you today,
You’re more than just a thing to me, you’re Jeremy.
Never forget that, I have things for you to see.
Will you believe, leave your past to grieve itself, please?
I promise I’ll carry you, promise never to tarry you.
Glory to glory, will you please try to see?

Yes, of course. Of course I’ll look, I’ll wait and I’ll see.
This is all I wanna be, an open book for You to read.
Can I start now? Is there more crop to seed?

Gonna wait on the Lord, even in need,
Gonna wait on the Lord, ’cause I wanna see.

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