For Now

I thought I had to get it right from the get go,
Though it was mandatory for my light to never fade low,
Didn’t realize it was You in me who was running the show,
Didn’t understand that I couldn’t, treading water in a stagnant cove.

So just meet me here, just let me see clear,
I can’t do this without the way You snuff fear,
Pinch it like a wick, I’m no longer wicked, even when it’s near,
And what’s the valley of the shadow of death but a year,
Or two that feel dreary, make you weary, remind you that you’re not nearly,
Who you oughtta be, what you wanna be; you’re not a wannabe, you’re His joy to lead.

Oh lead me, take me further in,
Along right paths, Your lamp this path is lightin’,
For Your righteous Name’s sake; I am not fightin’,
Against Your will anymore, I’m just a door, crooked but straightened,
Please just draw close to me where I am, I AM, this road is trying.

Let it be, give it to Me, there is no more soliloquy, your heart belongs to Me,
I am your Father so let go and be free, I love your career, it’s okay to be weird,
Just remember that I AM will always be near, not letting go, your heart is too dear.
Believe, believe, believe! That is how you receive, I do not deceive, My heart is not grieved,
So don’t be bereaved, brokenhearted about your dreams, it is Mine to redeem,
Be not dismayed, and do not be shaken, I love you extreme, this is not just a dream,
Spent ev’ry last cent on restoring your spirit, do you think that I wouldn’t continue in that stream?
So remain here for now, tomorrow’s never just like the forecast,
Let go of the shame in your past, yesterday was your last, so smash, crash.
Got skulls to bash, spiritual strongholds to scatter like trash, no fast cash,
Following my Father ’cause He’s a lovely stream of water, won’t look back,
The past was a heart attack, but the future’s a fruit snack that lasts past when Jesus comes back.

Oh take my heart and run with it like a kite!
Father, restore my wobbly-wheeled cart, let me ignite!
You are He Who Creates Life, leviathan is Yours, Your Word’s like a knife,
Who scattered the stars with the sweep of an arm, a Word was spoken; right.
“It is good,” so let Your kingdom come, understood, create in us a quiet like the still of night,
Your grace is good enough for me, I surrender me, You are worthy of so much praise and fright,
Reverent and fearful, I’d rather be tearful than filled with pride and self-righteous spite,
Oh praise His holy Name!
Jesus died to take the blame!
I’m not just glad, I am amazed,
You, You saved me from the haze.

Today…

Have you ever felt like the cards that you’re dealt,
Are insufficient in their imperfections, no solutions, just getting more tense?
Did you know that even before the stress goes away, it’s a see-throughable haze?
Can you believe or understand it? Cannot let it go or underhand it,
I think you should hear this, it’s not about your pretense,
It isn’t about your failures, not even the things you comprehend,
You could do right all day without love and it wouldn’t change in the end,
But there’s hope for the broken, rest for the weary, I can’t contain it!

I think there’s more righteousness in letting go,
Than I could ever find in my self-abasing wallow,
Never giving up, but I can trust that Your sacrifice wasn’t shallow,
That when You said it is finished, Your Words would never diminish!

And I pray I’m not rebelling in my old rebellion, that I used to revel in,
I just keep praying for the Kingdom, and, sometimes it feels like a mouthful of sand,
But I don’t give up, no, I won’t quit love, settin’ eyes on my Father above,
And I think this life got harder, but the gym is not a larder, gettin’ stronger, maybe smarter.
Admitting that you’re at the bottom is the safest way to need a pardon,
But it’s given straight from heaven, forgiveness in my Father’s garden.

I hope and pray for strength today,
For wisdom to send this death away,
I’ll fall apart if I hesitate, step in haste,
Nothing in life is worth a taste,
Unless I’m armed with God’s true grace,
Just wanna open up all the way,
God, look in, please, Yahweh!

Bend Me Back

I want to get this straight,
Would love to set my mind right,
So I’m letting these words flow out,
Not for you, but just so I don’t doubt.

I’m learning to see there’s a log in me,
In my eye, can’t focus or cry, I don’t see,
When I’m just focused on this lack in me,
I know You speak the way I can hear,
You hold me so near, You called me, I’m here.

And I feel so insignificant,
Just rhymin’ four-letters, intricate with it,
Wish I could do it better, I can’t investigate this.
It was never about words, that even sounds absurd.
But Your Word confirms it in the Spirit, I’m Yours.
I’m so dirty and sinful, it’s all I can look at, I’m willful,
Help me, Father, I do not want to rebel so.
My heart cries out, heavenly Abba, set the record straight,
I’m not here to enervate, I hesitate, God, set my mind right!

For real though,
I’m below,
Wanna rise above, not fall low,
You give me the strength, You’re not shallow,
Help me win this battle, I am Yours, not scrambled,
Scatter this tattletale mindset, I’m addled with all this prattle,
Oh protect me with a cattle gate, I can’t attain, I get so rattled,
Why this open field without a shadow? It’ll get a little wild…

I am Yours,
You call me towards,
Life, eternal, abundant and onwards.
So I will walk by faith, and when I fail,
I know Who advocates my help in hail,
I will not fail–I did–but You are faithful,
Help me worship You in action, not just my mindscape,
Help me to lift You up in deed, not just cleverness in word games.

Faith Walk?

So I’m not sure what I’m saying here,
Something keeps slippin’ and I’m kinda sick of this super sad surmisin’…
That’s not surprisin’, I’m just sippin’ salad from this stoner’s pipe hand,
Slippin’ up on cigarettes and sick regret,
Someone save me from this sad slacker’s mindset,

But know this: I’m not upset,
This life it appears isn’t yours to inspect,
And that’s okay, I’m mostly intact,
I’m not set on this path to start to backtrack.

So I’ll write it out for You,
This song’s just between me and Truth,
I am not here to brag my bruise,
But I’d be lyin’ if I said this wasn’t here to use.

Jesus, You are my career,
God, You’re what I hold near.
I am so totally inadequate,
And I constantly feel addicted,
To this mad dictation, to constantly going on vacation,
To my own mortification, self immolation,
Tyranical, fannatical, protesting my own role and vocation,
Save me from my inept and impractical self attacks, I’m chasin’,
After empty bottles in an alley of recycled reality, this whole life is shakin’…

 I’m so glad You’re close anyway,
I’m so thankful that You draw near to this fray,
I couldn’t do this any other way,
Thank You for Your grace, it blows me away.

More of You

Lift my eyes up to the hills,
Lord, I’m Yours, open my eyes to see Your will,
Help me to see, I’m no wannabe, I’m Yours because You bought me,
This life’s not my own, I’m on my knees at Your throne, 
Everything I do, please let it honour You.

I knew this would happen, it was bound to re-attack me,
This OCD diagnosis was free, but the price tag it cost , was it necessary?
It’s a scuff on a knee until you check if it’s real,
Then it’s there just to steal, like you’re feeding it fuel,
But this wasn’t by chance, and I’m not just a fool,
Quit crushing my hands, I’m not here for your school.

See it was all hidden inside of me,
I internalized it heavily,
The generalized anxiety
Was from my trying at your propriety,
And it isn’t your fault that I fell quite mis’rably,
And it isn’t my fault if I take it so heavily,
‘Cause I know now my God is extra heavenly,
That He takes what I brought and cherishes it readily,
Treasures in heaven are what I’m developing,
And I know Jesus has my life enveloped in Him.

So I can’t–won’t–hide it anymore,
I will not pretend I’m like you or like you’re,
Somehow better at this than me–or worse,
I am not gonna lie to your face, this is my embarrassment waste,
But I’ve gotten a taste, I’ve caught just a glimpse,
Of the sweetest of love, of my Father above,
And I don’t wanna let it go! But OH, this secret I know:
Life is rest, it’s profound in its test,
To believe is the best, but it’s not an army tent,
I am not hellbent on retaining this argument,
I know Your grace is sufficient for me, it’s so freeing,
I know the way You gave Youself up for me is the way that I wanna be,
But I won’t lie when I say I’d rather die,
Than ever wander from Your eye,
Hold me close, Father, I,
Cannot endure another day of mapless sky,
Constantly attempting to reinvent me, but You set me free,
Show me I don’t need to rebecome me when You’re already working on me,
What’s an oak tree that forces out an apple? I can’t take the preamble,
Help me not to prattle, I can win this battle, You’re my horse and saddle.
Just a kid in the crowd,
Trying to shout because I think it’s loud,
Pick me up, please be proud,
Not tall enough to see on my own, lift this shroud.

Oh! Wanna worship God in truth,
Oh oh, think I wanna fall for You,
Think I’d rather recieve my due,
Than ever give this up or turn away from You,
Help me set my focus on what’s true,
God, I love everything You do.
Show me more of what thrills You,
I’m just here to adore You.

Holy and True!

​​You amaze me,

The scenery might be hazy,
But You’re always there for me,
I may sound crazy, but You’re my everything.
So Jesus, placate me, reduce this stuttering,
I am Yours alone, stay with me, help me stop my muttering.

I know now that You lead me for Your own sake,
I know now that Your righteousness is for Your own Name,
I can see that forgiveness is the embrace of Your perfect grace,
I can read that mercy triumphs judgement and see Your face.

And when these tears fade away, You’ll still be the Way,
I will never leave you nor forsake you, Your words, Yahweh,
Let me testify with my life, Your light in my eyes, Your ways divine,
Walk with me like Abraham, wanna be like Jesus, water into wine.

So if I’m embarrassed, let it be my fear fast,
If I’m caught up in my past, at least I’ll be free at last.
The valley of the shadow of death isn’t enough to pull me from Dad,
Nothing shall separate, He sets my feet on His angel-guarded path.

So keep me in reach, wrap these feet with shoes of peace,
Keep me on my knees, forever worshipping the Lord of Glory,
Keep me interceding, this whole prayer thing’s not receding,
I just wanna be in the garden, weeding, lifting Your church up with feeling.

Thank You, thank You, thank You,
I cannot be too profuse,
Your glory in me is effuse,
It’s too much for me to enthuse,
Thank You, Father, for being You,
For being good, whole, right and true,
For giving, for not withholding, for “Yes! Yes!” and “Amen!” too!
For fulfilling and delivering me from my wretched tomb,
Hallelujah, all this is for You! Hallelujah, glory and honour to You!

Woo! Think I can take my medicine now.
You! Restore me to Yourself in pow’r.
Yes! I can endure this test,
I’m blessed to persevere my best.

Just As I Am

I thought I wasn’t good enough,
Oh, thought at best I’d have it rough,
Did not expect You to see through my bluff,
Never thought You’d think me worth more than a huff.
I can’t get full up, without Your help, You’re my Lord and it’s done,
You finished it, completed it, defeated it, killed death to dead with it, You won,
And though I thought I was just a pawn, I was wrong, You’re worthy of song,
Your sacrifice, dear Jesus, perfect forever, start to finish, You are God,
And I’m a sinful garbage dump guy, full of junk, totally worth this rot,
Selfish and vain, imperceptibly insane, when I’m down I flounder in doubt,
Obsessively compulsive with anxiety, self-hate, I stutter and shout,
And I thought that I could not have your forgiveness until I ruin my heart without
Hope, mercy, wisdom, forgiveness that is given, but eternal life starts and ends with love.
So now I hope in Your life, in Your name, in the perfection that’s your legacy above,
Because I know it’s You living in me that defines me in Your eyes with a sanctifying thrum,
Leading me in paths of righteousness for Your own Name’s sake, Your heartbeat in me is a death-defying drum.
So come, Lord, be glorified,
Sound the drums, God is ready for His bride,
Trumpets, blare, Jehovah God will arrive,
Skies, crack wide, Yahweh is nigh.

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